Children’s birthday parties driving you crazy?!

Ever found yourself rushing frantically around the nearest toy shop / department store / supermarket scouring the shelves for some nice, reasonably-priced present (that looks more expensive than it is!) for a child you hardly know, whose party your child is going to in about … ooooh … 5 minutes?!

That seems to be me pretty much every weekend these days!  I’m sure some most of you are far better organised than I am, but I still think there must be a better way.  After all, how many kids need 20 craft kits?  Not to mention the environmental impact of all that driving around, wrapping paper, etc.

That’s why I was really thrilled to come across Parties Around the World (PAW) recently.  It’s been set up by Deirdre Bounds, a successful mumpreneur who established i-to-i travel and then sold it after a few years for £8 million or something!  So she knows what she’s doing in business.  Anyway, having had a chat with her, she’s asked if I would help her get some feedback from other mums.  So I wondered if you’d please be prepared to complete this quick survey for her?

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/2T7F8YF

It should only take a couple of minutes, and she’ll give 50p to the PAW charities for every completed response she gets.

If children’s parties bring you out in a cold sweat and you think there must be another way, please help Deirdre to shape something that will work for all of us, and our children, and do something good at the same time.  Thanks very much.

I left my sobbing child …

Yes, I did, and it ripped my heart out.  Am I a crap mother?  A heartless bitch?  Or am I “being cruel to be kind” and “doing what’s best for her in the long run”?  I honestly don’t know.  All I know is that, when your just-six-year-old child is sobbing, clinging on to you for dear life, begging and pleading to stay with you, it goes against every grain of motherly instinct and every fibre in your body to walk away.  But I did.  And now I’m asking myself why.  Why?

Why, in this country, do we insist on children starting school when they’re barely out of nappies?  Why do they have to go every day of the week, from 9 till 3?  Why do they have to keep going when they’re so exhausted they can barely drag themselves through the school gates, when they’re run down, under-the-weather, sad, just wanting to be at home?  When there’s very little likelihood of them learning anything … except, perhaps, persistence.

What is it about our society that forces our children to get on the treadmill when they’re still so young?  Who is it designed to suit?  As a mum who found staying at home full-time really hard, I’ll hold my hand up to breathing a bit of sigh of relief when my children started school and pre-school respectively.  And if my eldest daughter was happy at school, I probably wouldn’t be writing this.  It wouldn’t be an issue.  Except that she isn’t … and it is.

So what do you do when you just want to scoop your child up and run away with them, protect them from the things that are hurting them and somehow make it all alright?  Someone please tell me, because I’m at a loss.

Glass half full?

Okay, so it's not quite half full, but it's the best I could find!

Do you class yourself as a glass half-full or a glass half-empty person?  Or does it, as in my case, seem to depend on the day?!  Well, I’ve been reading a really interesting book called ‘The glass half-full: How optimists get what they want from life and pessimists can too’.  It’s by Suzanne C Segerstrom, Professor of Psychology at the University of Kentucky in the USA, and it’s made me think quite differently about optimism.

I already knew that optimism was good for you, that it’s proven to be linked with longer life, better health, better relationships, more success and greater happiness.  Bit of a bummer then that I come from a somewhat less than optimistic family!  Or is it?  What Ms Segerstrom argues is that, regardless of your background and the extent to which you may have ‘inherited’ a glass half-full or glass half-empty approach, you can become more optimistic simply by acting more like optimists do.

So what do optimists do?  Well, because they generally have positive expectations of themselves, others and the future, they tend to set goals and show great persistence in pursuing those goals.  They don’t give up at the first hurdle.  Why not?  It seems that, because optimists believe that things will work out well in the long run, they are motivated to keep on trying even when the going gets tough.  Of course, because they persevere, they are more likely to succeed and achieve their goals in the end, which then sets up a positive feedback loop.  They have succeeded this time, so they are even more optimistic that they will succeed next time.  And so on.  In addition, by achieving their goals, they often also build their resources – eg. their competence, their relationships, their status, etc – which means that they have more resources at their disposal next time.

In contrast, people with a more pessimistic view of life may never even bother to set themselves any goals – what’s the point?  Even if they do, they are more likely to quit as soon as they encounter a setback, on the grounds that they never expected to achieve their goal anyway.  This then sets up a negative feedback loop: their failure makes them feel even more pessimistic about themselves and the future, so that they are even less likely to set and achieve goals.  And, as a result, less likely to build resources.

Imagine two people embarking on a new fitness regime.  They both join the local gym on the January offer, they both want to tone up and lose a bit of weight.  The optimist sets herself the goal of running a half-marathon in six months’ time, and is convinced she’ll be in great shape for the summer holidays.  She doesn’t particularly enjoy working out, but she goes regularly because she knows she won’t be able to run 13 miles otherwise!  She books an appointment with an instructor, who gives her a tailored programme.  Even when she has a virus and has to miss a few sessions, she soon gets back into her routine.  She decides to raise some money for charity by getting people to sponsor her for the half-marathon, and starts a JustGiving page.  She e-mails the link to all her friends and gets loads of support.  She also puts it up on the noticeboard at the gym, where she is already starting to make new friends.  A few other members decide to join her and do the same.

The pessimist, on the other hand, doesn’t even get to the gym until the end of January.  She goes to a spinning class, which she’s never done before – it’s really hard work and she hates it!  She doesn’t go again for another week.  This time, she tries to use the machines in the gym, but doesn’t ask for any help from an instructor.  Because she doesn’t know what she’s doing, she feels embarrassed and gives up after 15 minutes.  It’s another two weeks before she ventures to the gym again.  What has she been doing in the meantime?  Spending her evenings on the sofa watching re-runs of Grand Designs and beating herself up for not going to the gym!

I don’t have to spell it out, you know the story.  One person will get her money’s worth from her gym membership, achieve her goal and feel good about herself.  She’ll also build her health and relationship resources for the future.  The other person … well, she’ll have been to a couple of very expensive classes!

So, to gain the benefits of optimism even if you’re not naturally that way inclined, what you have to do is:

• set yourself some meaningful goals (ones that you are motivated to achieve for yourself, not for anyone else)
• take action towards achieving them
• persevere, even when things go wrong (unless you realise that you are “flogging a dead horse”, in which case optimists are smart enough to move on to another horse goal!)
• in general, focus your time and energy on activities that build your resources rather than ones that don’t – for example, going out with friends builds your relationship resources, whereas watching TV by yourself doesn’t really build any resources!

That’s a very brief overview but it struck a chord with me.  If I want to live a long, healthy, happy life, one of the ways I can help myself is by ‘doing’ optimism.  Starting right now …

Naturopathic Treatments to Boost Children’s Immune Systems | Our Big Earth

Naturopathic Treatments to Boost Children’s Immune Systems | Our Big Earth.

As a mum with a bit (okay, a lot) of a ’sick’ phobia, I’m not terribly keen on winter, especially those long rainy days when everyone’s cooped up indoors and the children don’t even got five minutes outdoor play.  Sending the kids to school or nursery or any kind of group activity at all feels like sending them to swim in germ soup.  And as adults we can’t always escape the bugs either.  A friend of mine recently described the London Underground as “a petri dish of illness”!  Nice.

So I’m always on the look out for anything that might help boost our immune systems and keep the germs at bay.  This article doesn’t include things like vitamin C and echinacea that we all know about already.  It’s got some quite interesting stuff that I’ve never heard of before, and that I’ll definitely be trying.  We’ve had some fantastic results from ‘alternative’ remedies and treatments in the past, to the point that they’re normally my first port of call.

Last week, for example, my eldest daughter started complaining of really bad earache.  Desperate to avoid the antibiotics that seem to often get doled out for these things, I rang our local homeopathic clinic and asked for advice.  A couple of hours later, having done a bit of a dodgy handover at the school gates (cash in exchange for a little packet of white pills) I started giving my daughter the remedy.  By bedtime the earache had disappeared and the next day she was completely fine.  Yes, of course, the earache might have gone away by itself … or it might not!  For £2.75, I preferred not to take the risk.

Anyway, see what you think and, if you try anything, let me know if it works.

New model schools

Old school ...

My dad, bless him, makes a habit of always arriving for a visit armed with all sorts of obscure newspaper cuttings for me.  Some of them will be adverts for hideous household gadgets from the back of the colour supplements, others will be heavyweight intellectual articles from the broadsheets that I don’t feel I’ve got the braincells for anymore … but just occasionally there’ll be something that I really want to read.  And that I never would have discovered without my dad!  It’s a fairly rare occurrence, but it means I can never just bin the cuttings without looking!

Anyway, the latest article, dutifully cut from the Telegraph magazine, was on New Model Schools.  You can read a slightly condensed version of it here.  I’m honestly not sure what I think about these schools, and I guess you have to visit them yourself to form any kind of valid opinion.  I love that they’re small and personal, like an extended family.  I love the emphasis they appear to place on creativity, good manners and respect.  I like that they support teachers to focus on teaching, and free them up from administration and after-school clubs … although of course this means that parents have to do a lot more!  (But then, if your school fees are half what they would be for a ‘normal’ independent school, perhaps you’re happy to be very hands-on?)  I’m a lot less comfortable with the fact that they’re owned by a Right-wing think tank!

Having spent a good chunk of the last few months investigating all sorts of different options in terms of schools for my children, I’ve got to the stage now where, if I had loads of money and nothing else to do, I’d love to start my own school, ‘pick-and-mix’ing the best bits from all the various approaches I’ve researched.  So it’s really interesting to see the way that NMS have grown organically from a tiny seed of an idea, with a handful of children, into a model of how things could be done.

In the words of Robert Whelan, who came up with the original idea:

“The challenge is to the prevailing political idea that the answer to educational problems is lots of money and centralised control.  We want to show that the first is unnecessary and the second destructive.  We don’t think NMS will ever be massive, but it doesn’t have to be to show that it works.”

Seems that lots of parents around the country are all coming to similar conclusions and starting to do their own thing – see here and here and here.  So, just in case I ever do start a school of my own, tell me what your ideal school would be like …

My guilty pleasure

I am almost scared to admit it, but in the last few weeks I have developed a new ‘guilty pleasure’.  I don’t think you’ll ever guess what it is!

Well, not until you see this anyway …

 

 

 

Yes, I confess.  It’s Peter Andre.  Here’s my excuse …

Having moved into a new house with no cable TV or freeview, and having not yet signed up to Sky, I have been restricted to far fewer channels than normal.  Not a bad thing, you might think, except that it meant ITV2 got a look in … and that’s when I got into trouble!  I caught a bit of ‘Peter Andre – The Next Chapter’, just a little bit, by mistake … and before I knew it I was hooked.  There’s something about an emotional man who’s great with his kids that gets me every time.

I am so ashamed.  I’m supposed to be an intelligent middle-aged (aaaagh!) woman.  What’s wrong with me?!

Somebody please help.  Or, alternatively, ‘fess up too.  It surely can’t just be me?

 

 

Oh, okay, apparently it can.

Dads want more time with their kids

In my ‘here’s the news’ post I mentioned that many working fathers want more time with their kids, according to a recent report by the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC).  Interesting, given my last post about the (in)equality of the sexes, that dads want less time at work and more time at home whilst many mums want the opposite!  Surely the obvious solution is to give everyone the opportunity to work part-time, in a flexible family-friendly manner, so that both mums and dads can have hands-on parental involvement and career satisfaction?!  It seems so obvious, but I’m sure it’s one of those things that’s easy to say and far more complicated to do, not least because the people who would have to go out of their way to implement it probably don’t really need it.  I’m thinking of your 50-something MDs with children who are more-or-less grown up and wives who’ve always done the ‘wife’ thing!  (Yes, I know, gross stereotyping – sorry!).

Anyway, came across these other articles in the Guardian that talk about the subject in a bit more detail:

working dads have a rethink, hurrah – by Joanna Moorhead

why don’t more dads work part-time – by Stuart Jeffries

case study of a working dad – by Alexandra Topping

working fathers: there’s definitely been a shift in attitudes – by Andrea Murray, EHRC group director of strategy

bosses to be told to offer more part-time work for parents – by Gaby Hinsliff

girls should be realistic about careers and motherhood – by Jessica Shepherd

slapping down girls’ career aspirations – public letters

Make sure you read the comments as well if you can, they’re fascinating.  And all I can say is, who on earth would be a politician?!  Everyday life is complicated enough without having to sort out the nation as well.

But then, thinking about it, perhaps I’d quite like to be a politician as long as someone else would do my shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, packed lunches, party invites, Christmas card writing, etc, etc, etc.  Would you?

Three things …

Three things I’m grateful for from the last 48 hours or so:

• A really lovely family celebration in honour of my sister and brother-in-law’s 40th birthdays (you’ll have to guess whether she’s older or younger than me!) – no squabbling between children or adults, a cause for celebration in itself!
• A text from a friend suggesting a coffee – didn’t get it until too late because my phone was playing up, but it’s the thought that counts, and we got together today instead.
• My beautiful children who, despite their sweet teeth, will happily eat a whole range of veggies, no nagging required.  How do children survive who don’t?!

"Eat your greens!"

The (in)equality of the sexes and my dad’s challenge …

Not my style!

I was having a chat with my dad the other day and we got onto the subject of the equality of the sexes … or should I say, the lack of it?!  It’s a favourite subject of ours, and usually leads to an argument.  Much as I love my dad, he is of the generation that expects girls to be girls, boys to be boys, and wives to cook the tea!  I have always thought that he would have been far happier with me if I’d floated through the fields in a long white dress, hair flowing, all fresh and virginal like the Timotei girl.  Kind, gentle and, dare I say it, submissive.  Instead, I wore Doc Marten boots with hotpants and hung out in nightclubs with a pint in my hand (in my student days, I hasten to add!).  I was anything but submissive.  I think he found me a bit scary then and, truth be told, probably still does.

Anyway, we were having this discussion and I started ranting about how unfair it is that women still end up making the majority of sacrifices when it comes to having a family.  In most cases, it’s the woman whose career goes down the pan because she takes time off to look after her (their) little ones.  It’s the woman whose body bears the stresses and strains, and who loses her confidence because of that amongst other things.  It’s the woman who ends up taking a far lowlier job than she deserves just so that she can work in and around her family and be there for school drop-off and pick-up.  It’s consequently the woman who sacrifices her status and financial freedom, not to mention her pension contributions, etc, etc.  Which is all okay-ish whilst you’re a happy family unit with a supportive partner who appreciates what you’re doing and sees his money as your money.  But what happens when that happy family unit breaks down?  Suddenly, it’s the woman who can’t get a mortgage and finds herself in rented accommodation on benefits.  It’s the woman who still ends up doing the lion’s share of the childcare, because ‘daddy’ is busy working and ‘mummy’ can no longer command a salary to compete with his.  In the worst cases, it’s the woman who has to fight to even get a few quid from her ex for their kids.

Now I know that that was a bit of a one-sided rant.  And I know that it’s not always the case, that there are plenty of mums who manage to maintain successful careers, plenty of mums who don’t want to, plenty of dads who feel hard done-to and would like to spend more time with their kids, even some women who do very well out of their divorces.  I know all that.  But I still think that it is very VERY difficult for mums to bring up their families in the way that they want to and maintain their status within society.  Let’s face it, the two things don’t really go hand in hand, do they?  For a start, few mums would choose to never see their children, and few well-paid high profile jobs are part-time.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my dad gave me a challenge.  He told me, very politely, to stop moaning and do something about it.  I think his actual words were “Someone with a brain like yours should apply it to finding a solution”, which was a back-handed compliment I guess!  I told him I thought there were probably a lot of far better brains than mine already working on this issue, but then I realised that that was a bit of a cop-out.

So, this is my challenge, and I need your help please:

• What can we do to ensure that British society offers equal opportunities for mums and dads in relation to both work and parenting?  What needs to happen?

Let’s put our heads together on this one.  Post your thoughts and suggestions as comments below.  I’d love to hear them and I’m sure everyone else would too.  ‘Mumpower’: perhaps, together, we can achieve miracles?!

And here’s the news …

Just updated the news section of the Mummo website, something that’s been long overdue, and thought I’d share it here too.  Basically, I’ve trawled the web so you don’t have to!

Mind and body

• The three parent family is almost possible. Meddling with nature, or providing hope for those struggling to conceive? Marie Claire online 12/11/09
• Apparently, video games can help to alleviate depression! After four weeks of regular game-play on a Nintendo Wii, twenty people suffering from advanced-stage Parkinson’s disease reported significant reductions in feelings of depression. More detail here …
• According to Dr Richard Wiseman, author of ‘The Luck Factor’, optimistic people are better at picking a winner at the races, because they find it easier to tune in to their intuition. Yet another benefit of optimism …
• The UK is now the abortion capital of Europe, a thoroughly disturbing claim to fame. It seems the Government’s plans to tackle teenage pregnancy are not working. What can we do? Marie Claire online 12/11/09
• Pioneering technique might enable women to grow new their own breasts after mastectomies. Early days but an exciting possibility, perhaps, for those unlucky enough to get breast cancer. Times online 13/11/09

Family and home

• Shag bands – would you let your daughter wear them? If you don’t know what they are, prepare to be shocked. Times online 10/11/09
• To have another or not to have another? No, we’re not talking about glasses of wine, we’re talking about kids! This article explains why one can be the perfect number, for both the child and the parents! Junior magazine online
• Here’s a refreshing alternative to today’s obsession with ‘boutique hotel’ style – designer mum Petra Boase has created a funky, colourful family home that isn’t too precious. Who loves it?! Telegraph online 13/11/09
• Are you a cool parent? Take this lighthearted quiz to find out …
• Working dads want more time with their children, according to a report from the Equality and Human Rights Commission.  Also discussed in the Guardian online 20/10/09
• It’s coming up to Christmas and there’s a lot of pressure on parents to buy the latest must-have toys for their kids. But how about giving them that most important of gifts, the gift of self-belief? Psychologies magazine online
• How old before a child can be left home alone, or allowed to walk to school without you? – Guardian online 13/11/09

Career and business

• Jo Malone is looking for entrepreneurs with exciting products to sell for a brand new BBC1 series. Apply here, but hurry because the deadline is 30/11/09!
• At last, someone (other than me!) selling the benefits of flexible working. Times online 28/10/09
• Yo Sushi! founder Simon Woodroffe talks about his seven meeting rule for aspiring entrepreneurs, and advises being outrageous! Guardian online 12/11/09
• An interesting insight into the recent phenomenon that is ‘mummy blogging’ – Times online 01/11/09 and Times online 28/05/09
• She’s ingenious is a new online club, set up by a work-at-home mum, to help enterprising women turn their ideas and inventions into profitable businesses

Friends and fun

• Fancy bagging yourself an original work of art, possibly (if you’re lucky) a masterpiece, for a mere £40? Head to the Royal College of Art’s Secret 2009 event. Guardian online 13/11/09
• Okay, so it’s not exactly news, but it is a bit of frivolous fun – here’s a selection of Dannii Minogue’s X-factor hairdos. Which one’s your favourite?! – Guardian online 11/11/09
• Definitely worth a visit this autumn, the Yorkshire Sculpture Park is the venue for an exhibition of Rob Ryan’s intricate and imaginative paper cut outs and screenprints. He did a wonderful piece to promote the work of the White Ribbon Alliance and the ‘million mums’ campaign
• Film to see: Jane Campion’s ‘Bright Star’?
• Book to peruse: ‘Important Artefacts’ by Leanne Shapton?

Community and contribution

• There are times when life seems desperately unfair. Depressing, but don’t we owe it to these amazing people to at least take an interest? Guardian online 11/11/09
• Can the UK actually achieve its carbon-reduction target for 2050? Seems unlikely, according to a recent study. Times online 13/11/09
• These days, it’s becoming less about ‘me’ and more about ‘we’, according to this article in Psychologies online.
• Charity should be part of everyday life, says the Government’s new ambassador for philanthropy. What do you think? Times online 26/04/09
• It’s your last chance to buy one of Maria Grachvogel’s stunning £10 T-shirts, designed in support of Action Aid’s annual PoverTee Day. And while you’re at it, why not get together with friends to support one of Action Aid’s priority projects, or sign up for one of their First Hand Experiences?
• You’ll never believe it but … (courtesty of Junior magazine, December issue) … children from a remote Columbian village journey to school every morning using a zip line to cross a 1,200 foot drop over a raging river. There is no bridge between the two mountains, so the children use their own pulleys to make the hazardous journey, reaching speeds of up to 30mph. Talk about “how the other half live”!

Prosperity

• The UK has fallen outside of the top 10 in a world prosperity index, according to a report on thisismoney.co.uk 26/10/09
• Women are still earning less than men, but apparently not as much less as before (and check out the comments for some ‘interesting’ views!). Guardian online 12/11/09
• Gordon Brown is in even more trouble, this time over his plans to do away with childcare vouchers. Guardian online 10/11/09. Even women MPs are up in arms about it. Times online 08/11/09
• ‘Sheconomics’ – the new term for women’ relationship with money – as coined by two women researching and writing about the subject. Take a look at their website and the accompanying blog.